TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more place wherever American men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply Absolutely everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the job, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD can have switch-down services."


A Trump Tower Damascus further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

Report this page